When Setbacks Hit Hard: Supporting Your Competitive Child Through the Emotional Ups and Downs of Sports

If you're a parent of a child who lives and breathes their sport, you probably know how exhilarating the wins can feel—and how crushing the losses can be. For kids who are deeply competitive and passionate about their sport, setbacks can shake more than just their confidence on the field. They can stir up deeper questions about who they are, their worth, and where they belong.

And as a parent, it can be hard to know how to help.

As a therapist who works with kids, teens, and parents, I often see the emotional weight young athletes carry. Whether it's being benched, missing the final shot, or recovering from an injury, the emotional impact isn’t just about the game—it touches something more personal.

’ve been competing in sports for as long as I can remember—between swimming, soccer, running, and pretty much any sport I could try, I kept my parents busy driving me to practice after practice. When I was nine, I started doing triathlons, which quickly took over my world. I began competing at a national level, traveling almost every weekend, and eventually earned a national ranking. It was intense—especially when the NCAA announced they would be offering scholarships for women’s triathlon the same year I would be heading to college.

At fourteen, I had the best season of my life and was ranked 15th in the country, putting me on track toward an Olympic development path. But that same year, I was racing every weekend, pushing through injuries, and never taking a single day off. I entered high school cross country with a serious hip injury, which forced me to stop all activity for months. That injury led to a back issue that ultimately ended my triathlon career by the time I was sixteen.

I was heartbroken. Everything I knew—everything I had built my identity around—was suddenly gone.

Now, more than ten years later, I’m grateful for that moment. It taught me how to build a life beyond competition. I learned how to organize races, make lifelong friends, and rediscover myself outside of sport. Eventually, I found new passions and now compete nationally and internationally in a sport called Surf Life Saving. The difference today is that I listen to my body. I know that if something changes tomorrow and I can’t compete anymore, life will still go on—and I’ll be okay.

Don’t get me wrong—I’m still incredibly competitive (just ask anyone who’s played a board game with me!). But I’ve learned that one bad race doesn’t define me. There’s always another chance, another starting line.

This is something I see so many young athletes struggle with—whether I’m working with them in therapy or coaching them on the beach. When they have a tough race, they want to give up. Of course, they don’t always want to hear it when I say, “One race doesn’t define you.” But I always encourage them to do another race, even when it’s hard. Because each challenge is part of a much longer journey—and every setback can become fuel for what’s next.

So how do we support our kids when the thing they love most starts to feel heavy?

1. Let Their Feelings Be Valid

First, it’s okay if they’re disappointed—or devastated. Sports matter to them. We don't need to talk them out of their feelings or rush into silver linings. Sometimes the most healing thing you can offer is your quiet presence and a simple, “I know this hurts.”

Validation doesn’t mean fixing. It means being with them, right where they are.

2. Remind Them They Are More Than the Outcome

When a child is highly competitive, it’s easy for their sense of self to get wrapped up in performance. They might start to believe that who they are is how well they play. In those moments, it helps to gently reflect back the parts of them that aren’t tied to scores, medals, or rankings.

You might say:

• “I love how determined you are—no matter what the scoreboard says.”

• “You’re still you. This moment doesn’t change that.”

These small reminders help them reconnect with their worth beyond achievement.

3. Explore Their Inner Voice

Setbacks often bring up harsh inner dialogue. “I’m not good enough.” “I let everyone down.” “What’s the point?” When you hear these thoughts, try to approach them with curiosity, not correction. You might ask:

• “Where do you think that thought came from?”

• “What would you say to a teammate who was feeling like this?”

• “Is that the whole story, or just part of it?”

Helping kids reflect on their inner dialogue builds emotional awareness—and creates space for new, more compassionate self-understanding to emerge.

4. Stay in Touch with Their Why

It’s easy, especially in competitive environments, to lose sight of why your child started playing in the first place. Was it joy? Community? Challenge? Movement? Even when things get hard, reconnecting with that original spark can ground them.

You can ask:

• “What did you used to love most about playing?”

• “What feels good about this sport—even on the hard days?”

These questions aren’t about pushing them forward—they’re about helping them reconnect with their own motivation and meaning.

5. Be Aware of Your Own Hopes and Fears

Watching your child struggle can bring up a lot—especially if you’ve invested time, money, and energy into their sport. It’s okay to have your own emotions around their performance and progress. But try to stay curious about what's coming up for you, so that your support stays centered on them.

When in doubt, pause and ask yourself:

“What does my child need from me right now: my agenda, or my presence?”

6. If the Pressure Starts to Take Over… Get Support

If your child begins to show signs of ongoing anxiety, burnout, or self-criticism, working with a therapist can help. Therapy offers a safe space to explore identity, process disappointment, and strengthen resilience. It's not about pulling them away from their sport—it’s about supporting their whole self, so they can thrive both on and off the field.

Final Thought

Your child’s passion for their sport is something to be honored and celebrated. But they are so much more than an athlete, which is a lesson most people don’t learn until its too late and they have to put their life together in their mid 20’s after injury’s or burnouts end their sports career. They’re a person—with thoughts, emotions, stories, and strengths that go far beyond any performance, never forget to remind them of this to keep balance in their life. With your support, they can learn how to navigate the highs and lows of competition without losing touch with who they are.

And that’s a win that lasts far beyond the final buzzer!

By Abbey Vince, AMFT