Are We Teaching Kids Emotional Regulation—or Emotional Suppression?

“Stop crying.”
“Calm down.”
“You're fine.”
“It's not a big deal.”
“Why are you so upset?”

We've all said some version of these things.

Usually, we're not trying to hurt our kids.

We're trying to help.

We're trying to get them through the meltdown in the grocery store. We're trying to get everyone out the door. We're trying to stop the screaming. We're trying to keep a situation from escalating.

And sometimes, honestly, we're just overwhelmed ourselves.

But here's something worth asking:

Are we actually teaching kids how to regulate their emotions—or are we teaching them how to hide them?

Because those are not the same thing.

Emotional regulation doesn't mean “don't feel it.”

I think emotional regulation gets misunderstood.

Regulation doesn't mean a child never gets angry.

It doesn't mean they stop crying quickly.

It doesn't mean they aren't allowed to be disappointed.

It doesn't mean they always respond calmly.

And it definitely doesn't mean sitting quietly while they're falling apart internally.

Regulation means learning how to experience an emotion without allowing that emotion to completely control what you do.

That's a skill.

And it takes time to develop.

A regulated child can still be angry.

They can still cry.

They can still say, “This isn't fair.”

They can still need space.

They can still have a bad day.

The difference is that, over time, they're learning:

“I can feel this without being completely taken over by it.”

That's very different from:

“I shouldn't feel this.”

There's a difference between calming down and shutting down.

This is where things get tricky.

Sometimes a child becomes quiet and we think:

Great. They're calm.

But are they?

Maybe.

Or maybe they've learned that expressing anger gets them in trouble.

Maybe they've

Warmly,

Abbey Vince, AMFT