Is Your Child Defiant… or Overwhelmed?
What if the behavior you're calling “defiance” is actually a child telling you, “I don't know what to do with what I'm feeling”?
There is a word we use with kids pretty quickly:
Defiant.
They're defiant.
They're oppositional.
They don't listen.
They argue about everything.
They refuse to do what they're told.
They have to have the last word.
They're constantly pushing boundaries.
And sometimes, that eventually becomes a diagnosis: Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD).
This is probably where I'm going to be a little controversial.
I know ODD is a recognized mental health diagnosis. I'm not arguing that the behaviors associated with it don't exist. They absolutely do.
But personally, as a therapist who works with children and teens, I struggle with the idea of defining a child primarily by their opposition.
Because I don't think children are born difficult.
I don't think a child wakes up one morning and decides, “Today I'm going to make everyone's life miserable.”
I think we sometimes get so focused on the behavior that we forget to ask a much more important question:
What is underneath it?
What does “defiant” actually mean?
Think about what we're describing when we call a child defiant.
They get angry when you tell them no.
They argue.
They refuse.
They yell.
They shut down.
They become rigid.
They push back against authority.
They have enormous reactions to seemingly small things.
They don't transition well.
They don't want to do something simply because an adult told them to do it.
But here's the problem:
“Defiant” describes what we see. It doesn't necessarily explain why it's happening.
And that's a huge distinction.
A child who refuses to get in the car might be defiant.
Or they might be anxious.
A child who refuses to go to school might be defiant.
Or they might be overwhelmed socially.
A child who screams when you tell them it's time to turn off the video game might be defiant.
Or they might have absolutely no idea how to transition away from something that is regulating, stimulating, and rewarding their brain.
A child who argues with everything you say might be defiant.
Or maybe they feel like they have no control anywhere else in their life, so control has become incredibly important to them.
A child who says, “I hate you!” might be defiant.
Or maybe they're furious, embarrassed, scared, disappointed, or ashamed and don't have the emotional vocabulary to say any of those things.
The behavior may be real. But the behavior is not always the whole story.
Kids are born with feelings. They aren't born with the tools to manage them.
This is something I wish we talked about more.
Children come into the world with an enormous range of emotions.
They can feel joy.
Anger.
Fear.
Sadness.
Jealousy.
Excitement.
Disappointment.
Frustration.
Embarrassment.
Grief.
They can feel all of it.
But they don't automatically know what to do with all of it.
Emotional regulation is something we learn.
And honestly, it takes a long time.
Adults sometimes forget this because we're looking at a child and thinking, “They should know better.”
But knowing what you're supposed to do and actually having the capacity to do it are two very different things.
An adult can know:
“I shouldn't yell when I'm angry.”
And still yell.
An adult can know:
“I shouldn't shut down when I'm overwhelmed.”
And still shut down.
An adult can understand:
“This situation isn't actually that big of a deal.”
And still have a huge emotional reaction.
Now imagine having the emotional intensity of an adult without the years of experience, language, perspective, coping skills, impulse control, and self-awareness that an adult has developed.
That's a child.
So what if your “defiant” child is actually overwhelmed?
Maybe they're overwhelmed by school.
Maybe they're struggling socially.
Maybe they're being bullied.
Maybe they're exhausted.
Maybe they're hungry.
Maybe they're experiencing anxiety.
Maybe they're dealing with sensory overload.
Maybe they feel like everything in their life is controlled by adults.
Maybe they're struggling with a transition.
Maybe they're afraid of failing.
Maybe they're embarrassed.
Maybe they don't know how to ask for help.
Maybe something happened that they don't have the words to explain.
Maybe they're carrying emotions that they don't even understand themselves.
Or maybe they're simply developmentally behind in emotional regulation.
And sometimes?
They may not know either.
That's the part that can be so frustrating for parents.
You ask:
“Why are you acting like this?”
And they genuinely may not know.
Not because they're trying to manipulate you.
Not because they're trying to ruin your day.
Not because they're a “bad kid.”
But because their nervous system is overwhelmed and they haven't learned how to communicate what's happening inside of them.
This doesn't mean children shouldn't have boundaries.
This is really important.
Understanding a child's behavior does not mean allowing every behavior.
Your child can be overwhelmed and still need a boundary.
Your child can be angry and still not be allowed to hit.
Your child can be frustrated and still not be allowed to destroy things.
Your child can disagree with you and still have to follow certain rules.
Emotional validation isn't the same thing as permissiveness.
You can say:
“I understand that you're really angry.”
And also:
“I won't let you hit me.”
You can say:
“I know you really don't want to leave.”
And also:
“It's time to go.”
You can say:
“You're allowed to be disappointed.”
And also:
“You're not allowed to scream at your sister.”
That's parenting.
The goal isn't to eliminate boundaries.
The goal is to understand what you're actually addressing with those boundaries.
My concern with the ODD label
This is where my personal opinion comes in.
I worry about what happens when we give a child a label like “oppositional” or “defiant” without continuing to investigate what is underneath the behavior.
Because labels can change the way adults see children.
Once we've decided a child is “defiant,” suddenly everything they do can be interpreted through that lens.
They aren't struggling with a transition.
They're being defiant.
They're not scared.
They're being defiant.
They're overwhelmed.
They're being defiant.
They're asking for control.
They're being defiant.
They're having a terrible day.
They're being defiant.
And eventually, the child can start to internalize it too.
“I'm the bad kid.”
“I'm the difficult one.”
“I'm always in trouble.”
“My parents don't like me.”
“Teachers think I'm a problem.”
And now we've gone from addressing a behavior to potentially shaping a child's identity around that behavior.
That's what concerns me.
I don't want to look at a child and stop at:
“They're defiant.”
I want to ask:
“Why?”
What is the behavior trying to communicate?
Children don't always have the words to say:
“I'm overwhelmed.”
So they scream.
They don't know how to say:
“I feel powerless.”
So they control everything they can.
They don't know how to say:
“I'm embarrassed that I can't do this.”
So they refuse to try.
They don't know how to say:
“I'm afraid you're disappointed in me.”
So they say they don't care.
They don't know how to say:
“I need you to help me regulate.”
So they melt down.
Sometimes the behavior is the communication.
And if we only punish the communication, we may miss the message.
So what does this mean for you as a parent?
It doesn't mean you need to become your child's therapist.
It doesn't mean you have to analyze every tantrum.
It doesn't mean every behavior has some deep psychological explanation.
And it definitely doesn't mean you shouldn't hold your child accountable.
Instead, it means that when you're faced with a behavior that keeps happening, try adding one more question to the conversation.
Instead of only asking:
“How do I stop this?”
Ask:
“What might be happening underneath this?”
Instead of:
“Why won't you listen?”
Try:
“What is making this so hard right now?”
Instead of:
“You're being ridiculous.”
Try:
“I can see this feels really big to you.”
Instead of immediately escalating the consequence, pause and ask yourself:
Is this a child who is choosing not to regulate, or a child who doesn't yet know how?
Sometimes the answer will be both.
And that's okay.
Because our job isn't to excuse everything our children do.
Our job is to help them develop the skills they don't have yet.
Your child isn't a problem to solve.
I think sometimes we forget that children are still becoming themselves.
They're learning.
They're experimenting with boundaries.
They're figuring out who they are.
They're learning how much control they have.
They're learning how relationships work.
They're learning what emotions feel like.
They're learning how to lose.
How to fail.
How to be told no.
How to apologize.
How to tolerate disappointment.
How to ask for help.
How to calm themselves down.
And sometimes they're going to be really, really bad at it.
That's not necessarily a sign that something is wrong with them.
Sometimes it's simply a sign that they're still learning.
So the next time someone tells you your child is “defiant,” I don't want you to automatically dismiss the behavior.
Look at it.
Set boundaries.
Address it.
But don't stop there.
Get curious.
Because underneath the child who refuses, argues, screams, shuts down, or pushes everyone away might not be a difficult child.
There might be a scared child.
An anxious child.
An overwhelmed child.
A sensitive child.
A frustrated child.
A child who needs more control.
A child who doesn't have the words.
A child who doesn't yet have the tools.
And maybe the question isn't, “How do we get this child to stop being defiant?”
Maybe the better question is:
“What is this child trying to tell us—and how can we teach them a healthier way to say it?”
Because kids aren't born knowing how to manage big feelings.
They have to be taught.
And sometimes the behavior we're most frustrated by is actually pointing us directly toward the skill they need to learn.
Warmly,
Abbey Vince, AMFT
