The Power of a Good Coach (and the Harm of the Wrong One)
want to talk about something that doesn’t get enough attention—coaches.
Not just in sports, but in life. Coaches can be some of the most influential people for kids, teens, and even adults. They can shape confidence, discipline, resilience, and identity. A good coach can be the reason someone keeps going when things get hard. They can be the steady voice that says, “You’ve got this. Keep pushing.”
But here’s the part we don’t talk about enough:
A coach can also do a lot of damage.
And it’s not always obvious.
A Good Coach Pushes—But Also Understands
There’s this idea that being a “good” coach means being tough, intense, maybe even a little harsh. And yes—coaches shouldn’t be pushovers. Growth requires challenge.
But there’s a difference between pushing someone forward and pushing them down.
A good coach knows how their athlete works. They know when to challenge, when to pause, when to motivate, and when to step back. They’re not trying to create a copy of themselves or compare one athlete to another. They’re trying to help each individual become the best version of themselves.
That’s the goal.
Not comparison. Not control. Not ego.
When Coaching Crosses the Line
I see a lot of clients—especially kids and teens—who are quietly struggling because of their coaches.
They’re exhausted.
Their grades are slipping.
They feel constantly anxious.
And underneath it all, they feel stuck.
Why? Because they’re being put in impossible positions:
“If I miss practice to study, I’m letting my coach down.”
“If I focus on school, I’ll lose my spot.”
“If I say no, I’ll disappoint them.”
That’s not motivation. That’s pressure.
And when a coach starts making an athlete feel guilty for having a life outside of the sport—school, work, family—that’s a problem.
A big one.
Guilt Is Not a Coaching Tool
Let’s be really clear about this:
An athlete should never feel bad for prioritizing their education, their health, or their responsibilities.
A great coach understands balance. They work with their athletes, not against them. They recognize that sports are one part of a full life—not the entire identity.
When a coach uses guilt, fear, or emotional pressure to keep someone in line, that’s not leadership. That’s manipulation.
And we don’t talk about that enough.
It’s Not Just About “Big” Misconduct
When people think about inappropriate coach behavior, they often think about extreme cases—and yes, those matter deeply and should always be taken seriously.
But there’s another layer that flies under the radar:
Coaches getting too emotionally involved
Coaches creating dependency
Coaches prioritizing their own success over the athlete’s well-being
Coaches making athletes feel responsible for their feelings or outcomes
That’s not healthy. And it’s not appropriate.
A coach’s role is to guide, support, and develop—not to control, guilt, or overstep.
Why This Matters in Therapy
In therapy, I see the impact of these dynamics all the time.
Kids and teens who feel torn between who they are and who they’re being pushed to be.
Athletes who’ve lost their love for something they used to enjoy.
Young people who feel like they’re constantly failing—no matter how hard they try.
And a lot of the time, it traces back to one thing:
They didn’t have a coach who knew how to support them as a whole person.
What a Healthy Coaching Relationship Looks Like
A good coach:
Challenges you without breaking you
Respects your life outside of the sport
Encourages growth without comparison
Supports your goals—not just theirs
Creates trust, not fear
They don’t need to control you to lead you.
Final Thought
The right coach can change someone’s life in the best way.
The wrong one can do the opposite—and often quietly.
So whether you’re a parent, an athlete, or even a coach yourself, it’s worth asking:
Is this environment helping me grow—or just making me afraid to fall behind?
Because real growth doesn’t come from fear.
It comes from support, trust, and being seen as more than just an athlete.
Warmly,
Abbey Vince, AMFT
