Coach–Athlete Relationships: What I’ve Learned About Communication, Trust, and Tough Coaching Styles
I’ve been on both sides of the coach–athlete relationship. I know what it feels like to be the athlete trying to please a coach, and I know what it’s like to be the coach trying to motivate and guide others. Both roles can be incredibly rewarding, but they can also be complicated, emotional, and at times, deeply frustrating. Communication, trust, and coaching style all play such a big part in how that relationship feels, and I’ve learned that how we interact matters just as much as how hard we train.
As an athlete, I used to take every word my coach said straight to heart. A small comment about my form or focus could make or break my day. I wanted so badly to make them proud that I sometimes lost sight of why I even loved the sport in the first place. When communication felt one-sided—when it was only corrections, commands, or criticism—it started to chip away at my confidence. What I really needed was someone to see me, not just my performance.
Later, when I became a coach myself, I realized how easy it is to fall into that same pattern. You care about your athletes, you want them to reach their potential, and you start pushing hard because you think that’s what leadership looks like. But there’s a fine line between pushing someone and pressuring them. I’ve learned that athletes don’t grow from being told what’s wrong with them—they grow when they feel safe enough to make mistakes and strong enough to try again.
Trust is at the center of everything. Without it, even the best coaching plan falls apart. I’ve lost trust in coaches before, and it made me shut down. I’ve also had athletes who didn’t trust me, and I could feel that wall between us. Building trust means being consistent, being honest, and owning your own mistakes as a coach or as a teammate. It means creating an environment where people know they can speak up without being punished for it.
I also know firsthand how damaging an overly authoritarian coaching style can be. I grew up in a culture where “tough love” was the norm, and if you weren’t being pushed to your limit, you weren’t doing enough. It built a certain kind of resilience, but it also created anxiety, self-doubt, and burnout. There’s a difference between holding someone accountable and breaking them down. As both an athlete and a coach, I’ve seen that people thrive most when they feel supported, not controlled. Discipline and compassion can exist together—they actually work best that way.
Looking back, I wish I had known sooner that communication and connection matter more than control. When coaches and athletes talk openly, listen to each other, and trust each other, the sport becomes something so much deeper than performance. It becomes about growth, confidence, and self-respect. And when that foundation is missing, even the most talented athletes can lose their spark.
If you’ve ever been in that kind of relationship—where a coach’s words cut a little too deep or where you felt unseen despite all your effort—you’re not alone. It takes time to heal from that, and sometimes therapy or just having space to process it helps more than you’d expect. And if you’re a coach, it’s okay to learn and adjust, too. We’re human. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s understanding.
Being both an athlete and a coach taught me that connection always comes before correction. When we lead with empathy and honesty, everyone wins—not just in competition, but in how we carry ourselves long after the game is over.
If this resonates with you and you want to unpack your experience as an athlete, coach, or both, I’d love to help you explore it more. You can learn more or reach out through AbbeyRoseTherapy.com.
Warmly,
Abbey Vince, AMFT
