Big Feelings, Little Words: Why Yelling Doesn’t Work (and What Might)

There’s a look that shows up on a parent’s face sometimes — somewhere between total exhaustion and guilt. It’s not because they don’t love their child. It’s not because they aren’t trying. It’s because they’re tapped out. And the little person in front of them — this whirlwind of emotion, energy, and unmet need — is just… too much in that moment.

Working with big-feeling kids, especially younger ones, is messy. Beautiful, but messy. These are the kids who throw their shoes across the room because their socks “feel weird.” Who scream at bedtime because something in their world doesn’t feel right, but they don’t have the words to explain it yet. They feel everything loudly, deeply, and all at once.

And when those feelings hit, it’s easy for the adults in the room to match that volume. Because honestly? Sometimes yelling feels like the only option. It cuts through the chaos. It stops the moment. But only for a moment.

Here’s the thing: yelling might stop the behavior, but it doesn’t soothe the storm underneath. And for a lot of these kids, what’s really going on isn’t defiance — it’s dysregulation. It's not manipulation — it's a nervous system looking for safety. When their language skills can’t keep up with their emotional world, their bodies speak for them: through tantrums, meltdowns, refusals, and sometimes even silence.

These are not “bad kids.” And these are not “bad parents.”
This is a mismatch in tools.

The tough part? Our old tools — the ones most of us grew up with — don’t work here. Yelling, punishing, threatening — they can push a child further into shutdown or explosion. Especially for kids who already feel misunderstood or unsafe in their own skin. What they need in those moments isn’t discipline. It’s connection.

Yes, it takes more energy. And no, it won’t always feel natural — especially when you're running on fumes. But it works.

That’s what therapy for big-feeling kids often looks like: teaching them the language for their internal world before they have the words. It’s sensory play. It’s co-regulation. It’s a lot of trying again, and again, and again. It’s not magic — it’s hard work. But over time, it builds kids who know how to come back from overwhelm. Who learn to name their feelings instead of throwing them. Who trust that their big emotions won’t scare us away.

And for parents? It’s permission to pause. To step out of the shame spiral. To try something different, even if it feels weird or gentle or slower than expected. Because raising a big-feeling kid isn’t about controlling the chaos — it’s about creating safety inside it.

I see you. The tired parents. The overwhelmed caregivers. The kids who are “too much” for the world — and the world that’s too much for them.

We’re here to help bridge the gap. With empathy. With evidence-based tools. And with the belief that every big feeling is an opportunity for connection — not a reason for punishment.

Because no child is too young to start learning emotional resilience.
And no parent is too far gone to try a different way.

Warmly,

Abbey Vince, AMFT