When did protecting our children from discomfort become more important than teaching them how to navigate it?
Your child loses a game and starts crying. You immediately remind them that winning isn't everything.
They struggle with homework, and you jump in to help before they get too frustrated.
They have a disagreement with a friend, and you're already thinking about texting the other parent.
They don't make the team, get left out of a birthday party, or receive feedback they don't like, and your instinct is to step in, explain, fix, reassure, or make the situation better.
And honestly? It makes sense.
Watching your child struggle is uncomfortable. Watching them feel disappointed, embarrassed, frustrated, or rejected can be even harder. As parents, we naturally want to protect our children from experiences that hurt.
But I think there's a question worth asking:
In our effort to protect children from uncomfortable experiences, are we unintentionally taking away opportunities for them to learn how to handle discomfort?
Because there is a difference between protecting a child from something harmful and protecting them from every experience that makes them uncomfortable.
And that difference matters.
Discomfort Is Part of Growing Up
At some point, every child will experience disappointment, rejection, frustration, embarrassment, uncertainty, and failure.
They won't always get picked first. They won't always be invited. They won't always win. They won't always understand something immediately. Sometimes their friends will be upset with them. Sometimes they'll make mistakes, hurt someone's feelings, or have to work through a situation they wish had gone differently.
These experiences are not necessarily signs that something has gone wrong.
They are part of growing up.
And while we cannot prevent every difficult experience our children will encounter, we can help them develop the skills to navigate those experiences.
One of those skills is frustration tolerance.
Frustration tolerance is the ability to experience something difficult, uncomfortable, or disappointing without immediately needing to escape it, avoid it, or make it stop.
It doesn't mean children won't cry, get upset, or need support. It means they gradually learn that uncomfortable feelings are manageable and that they can continue moving forward even when things aren't going their way.
The goal isn't to raise children who never struggle. It's to raise children who begin to trust themselves when they do.
When Helping Becomes Rescuing
There is a fine line between supporting a child and rescuing them.
Supporting a child might look like sitting beside them while they work through a difficult homework assignment. Rescuing might look like completing the assignment because they're getting frustrated.
Supporting might mean listening when your child tells you their friend hurt their feelings. Rescuing might mean immediately contacting the other parent to resolve the conflict without giving your child an opportunity to navigate it.
Supporting might mean acknowledging how disappointing it is that they didn't make the team. Rescuing might mean immediately finding another team, explaining why the coach was wrong, or trying to convince them that the experience wasn't actually disappointing.
The intention behind rescuing is often love. But when adults consistently step in to remove discomfort, children may have fewer opportunities to practice tolerating it.
They may begin to rely on someone else to regulate the situation, solve the problem, or make the uncomfortable feeling disappear.
And eventually, they may start to believe that if something feels difficult, someone should make it easier.
We don't want children to grow up believing that discomfort is an emergency that requires immediate intervention.
We want them to learn that discomfort is sometimes just discomfort.
The Difference Between Validating Feelings and Removing Discomfort
This is where things can get tricky.
We talk a lot about emotional validation, and rightfully so. Children need to know their feelings matter. They need adults who can recognize their experiences without dismissing, minimizing, or shaming them.
But validation does not mean removing the experience that caused the feeling.
Your child is allowed to be disappointed that they lost the game.
They are allowed to be frustrated that their friend doesn't want to play.
They are allowed to feel embarrassed after making a mistake.
They are allowed to be upset when they don't get what they want.
We can validate those feelings without immediately trying to change the circumstances.
Instead of saying, "Don't worry, you'll win next time," we can say, "I can see how disappointed you are. You really wanted to win."
Instead of immediately fixing a friendship conflict, we can say, "That sounds really frustrating. What do you think you want to do about it?"
Instead of taking over when homework becomes difficult, we can say, "I know this is frustrating. Let's take a breath and figure out what part is giving you trouble."
Notice the difference?
We aren't dismissing the feeling. We aren't abandoning the child. We're allowing the feeling to exist while helping them develop the ability to move through it.
A child's feelings can be valid without every situation needing to change.
What Happens When Children Never Get to Struggle?
Frustration tolerance is not something children automatically develop because they get older. Like many developmental skills, it requires opportunities for practice, support, and repetition.
When children consistently have difficult experiences removed for them, they may miss opportunities to develop important skills.
They need opportunities to learn:
Emotional regulation: I can feel frustrated without allowing the feeling to take over.
Problem-solving: I can try another approach when something doesn't work.
Resilience: A difficult experience doesn't mean I am incapable.
Self-confidence: I can figure things out, even when they aren't easy.
Flexibility: Things don't always go according to plan, and I can adapt.
Self-advocacy: I can communicate what I need rather than expecting someone else to speak for me.
These skills don't develop from being told that life is hard. They develop through experiencing manageable challenges and discovering that we can navigate them.
Think about learning to ride a bike. A child doesn't develop confidence by never falling or by having someone hold the bike forever. They develop confidence through practice, small mistakes, encouragement, and gradually learning to balance independently.
Emotional resilience works similarly.
Children need opportunities to experience manageable discomfort, with a supportive adult nearby, so they can begin to recognize their own capabilities.
The Problem With Making Everything Feel Better Immediately
We live in a culture that is increasingly focused on comfort, convenience, and immediate solutions.
We can order food without leaving the house, watch whatever we want whenever we want, and find answers to almost anything within seconds.
And while convenience isn't inherently bad, I wonder how much it influences our expectations around discomfort.
We have become accustomed to making things easier, faster, and more comfortable.
Sometimes that mindset follows us into parenting.
Our child is upset, so we distract them.
Our child is frustrated, so we fix the problem.
Our child is disappointed, so we reassure them.
Our child is uncomfortable, so we change the circumstances.
But what if the goal isn't always to make the feeling go away?
What if sometimes the goal is to help a child recognize that they can experience an uncomfortable feeling without needing to escape it?
There is a difference between teaching a child how to regulate an emotion and teaching them that the emotion needs to disappear before they can continue with their day.
We want children to know they can feel anxious and still try something new. They can feel disappointed and still show up tomorrow. They can feel frustrated and still work through a challenge.
They don't have to feel good all the time to function, grow, and participate in life.
So, How Do We Let Kids Struggle Without Making Them Feel Alone?
This isn't an argument for letting children figure everything out by themselves.
Children still need co-regulation, reassurance, guidance, boundaries, and support. Their ability to tolerate frustration depends on their developmental stage, temperament, nervous system, and individual needs.
The goal is not to withdraw support. It's to change what support looks like.
Here are a few ways to start:
1. Pause Before You Intervene.
When your child becomes frustrated, give yourself a moment before jumping in. Ask yourself: Does my child need help, or am I uncomfortable watching them struggle?
Sometimes a little extra time is all they need to find their own solution.
2. Let Them Experience Disappointment.
You don't have to immediately turn every disappointment into a positive lesson. Sometimes they just need to be disappointed.
You can sit with them, acknowledge the feeling, and allow them to process it.
3. Ask Questions Instead of Providing Answers.
Rather than immediately solving the problem, try asking: "What have you tried so far?" or "What do you think might help?"
This encourages children to develop their own problem-solving skills.
4. Stop Treating Every Negative Feeling Like a Crisis.
Crying, frustration, disappointment, and anger are not automatically signs that something is wrong. Pay attention to what your child is communicating without assuming every difficult emotion needs to be eliminated.
5. Allow Natural Consequences When Safe and Appropriate.
If your child forgets their homework, they may need to experience the consequence at school. If they don't practice for a game, they may not perform the way they hoped.
Not every consequence needs to be prevented. Some experiences teach lessons that reassurance alone cannot.
6. Model Your Own Frustration Tolerance.
Children are watching how we respond when things don't go our way.
Do we become overwhelmed when plans change? Do we immediately become irritated when something takes longer than expected? Do we avoid difficult conversations?
We cannot expect children to tolerate discomfort if they never see adults modeling how to navigate it.
We Don't Need to Raise Children Who Are Comfortable All the Time.
I think sometimes we confuse good parenting with making sure our children are happy, comfortable, and emotionally regulated as often as possible.
But childhood isn't supposed to be free of discomfort.
Children will experience difficult friendships, challenging teachers, disappointing outcomes, mistakes, rejection, and moments when they don't feel good about themselves.
And while we should absolutely protect them from harm, bullying, abuse, and situations that exceed their ability to cope, we also need to recognize that not every uncomfortable experience is a harmful one.
Sometimes the most valuable thing we can do as parents is stay close without stepping in.
Let them try.
Let them fail.
Let them be disappointed.
Let them figure something out.
Let them experience the feeling of wanting to give up and then discovering they can keep going.
And when they look to us for support, remind them that we believe they are capable of navigating difficult things.
Because ultimately, we aren't raising children to live in a world where everything goes their way.
We're raising children to live in a world where things won't always go their way, and to trust that they can handle it.
Warmly,
Abbey Vince, AMFT
